Will You Promise Me?

There are many events in our lives that shape who we become. Sometimes it is a family member, a school teacher or a friend. In my case it was a woman I met during the time I was a foster parent. We became quick friends and soon realized that we had led almost parallel lives. We had both endured abuse as kids, battled fertility issues, had a huge love for Jesus and spent way too much on Scrapbooking. It was our greatest joy to jump in the car and go off on a whirlwind adventure to exoctic locations like....West Port....or ...Kitchener. We watched the fireworks at Fort Henry and we teared up at the love story on Boldt Island. 

We stood by each other while we renewed our vows to our husbands and she held my babies as they were being baptised. We loved sharing with each other how we saw God moving mountains in our lives. We prayed for the strength not to bop our husbands on the noggin when they seemed not to understand. Those few years that she was in my life count for a large chunk of my very best memories.

On October 30th 2011 she stood beside me while my last child was baptised. We spent the whole day together conspiring about what our next adventure would be. We were fairly convinced we could persuade our husbands to haul my new trailer all the way to Kitchener so that we could camp out at Scrapfest. 

After years of trying and fertility doctors galore she was finally having a baby. We started planning the shower that would be Peter Rabbit themed to match the new stamps she had found a few weeks earlier on our trip to Oshawa. 

When she was getting ready to leave she gave me a huge hug. My poor son was embarrassed and said "Awwww Yuck." so she hugged me harder and said "this is our favourite part". Little did I know that I would never hug her again. 

Our adventure list would remain incomplete. Our plans unfulfilled. Two days later she died in a fatal car crash that is believed was caused by her texting and driving. My life had been given a hole that no time could repair. I visit her every time I am in Kingston still, but its not the same. Though I feel her watching over me I can never just hug her and know she will always be in my life. She's gone. I'm here. How many times I wish I could turn back time and tell her not to text and drive. I can't. Please tell your loved ones while you still can.

Please promise not to text and drive. Keep your promise. Save Lives.

#willyoupromise

Each Step Brings New Found Happiness

Do you ever find yourself reflecting on a time in your life as though it was just a faint memory or maybe a scene from a movie. That's where I am today. I was on Facebook tonight and someone from my camp was thanking me and two other ladies for running a very successful children's activity day on Saturday.  Yep, you heard that right I helped run a children's activity day! What made me smile was that last year I had applauded myself for having the tenacity to attend the event. I did have to retreat to my trailer for half an hour to regroup but still it was the first time I had actually been there. This year I was busily painting butterflies, flowers and spiders on happy little campers faces, arms and even feet. Just a year. I would never have dreamed my life could change so fast. The truth is that each step I have taken has opened up so many new wonderful opportunities. I wish I could offer a road map to each of you who is struggling to fight against the dark place your are in. I can't. What I will offer you is hope...that there is a path out. If I found it so can you. Not to say I believe I won't ever be there again. I am still fighting that same battle. The difference for me is that I now know that there is still something out there worth fighting for, Happiness. My thoughts and prayers are with you. -Tracy

This lovely picture says it all.

Image the property of FB/SueFizmaurice,Author

Pet Therapy

You guys have been holding out on me. Why didn't anyone suggest that I should get a pet sooner? I always had pets growing up and did not realize how much I missed having one until my husband agreed to get me a German Shepherd.

I was looking online for something and saw an ad for trained shepherds that assist people with panic attacks and anxiety. Obviously it piqued my interest. I was amazed to find out that there are dogs that are specifically trained to support individuals with mental health problems. There were however some obstacles in obtaining them. There is a waiting list. Once your name does comes up it takes two years to train your dog. You have to find a way to come up with the substantial fees involved. Each owner is required to go and stay with their pet for at least two weeks at the training facility. Well, there went that idea, but the seed had already taken root.  I started looking on Kijiji and for ads for local breeders. I found a lovely King Shepherd on Kijiji but when I would not let the owners come to my home they were not interested. Im sorry, but my home is my safe spot and I don't want random pet owners coming in to evaluate my space.  When it fell through. I admit I was a bit emotional. There were a few precipitating factors but the dog was the final straw. My Husband, knowing that I was in need of something to lift my spirits searched and found a King Shepherd puppy about an hour away.

We threw our three kids in the car and headed east to look at what would soon become our newest family member. Titan.

When I went to talk to my therapist he told me that having a dog was a great idea for me and that my husband had done well in getting me a Shepherd. When I told this to my Husband he drove me back to the place where I got Titan and we brought his brother Legend Home.

Bringing these animals into my life has changed my world immensely. I take them for walks down to my neighbours' house and take them to town with me. I spend time in Pet Smart chatting with the other dog owners and as predicted by my therapist, at my campground I have been a social butterfly visiting from site to site taking the puppies to meet the neighbours. I find that I am so focused on attending to their immediate needs that I don't have time to panic about my own needs and fears. Even when the dogs are not with me, I find myself being able to make plans to go out in the world without double checking with myself about how it will affect my anxiety. I just do it. Sometimes I feel a bit of anxiety...other times I am fine. The point is I am out there for the first time in a long time.

Please do not think that I am suggesting that a new pet is the answer for everyone. I am merely suggesting that it is definitely worth doing a bit of research to see if it is a benefit to you. Try to spend some time today looking for what will help pull you out of your bubble today. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Helpguide.Org

Why My Mind is like a Prehistoric Cave Dwelling Family

So as I told you I have been working my way through Stephen Hayes book Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life. Usually I am a voracious reader but this book has slowed me down immensely. It is not that the book is to clinical or wordy...quite the opposite really. This book keeps touching nerves with me.

My Therapist was kind enough to extend my homework deadline by two weeks and even still I am not done. Shhhh....don't tell. It's like 201 pages with large type. This is truly a new experience for me. I am under the impression that this is a good thing.  The book feels like it was written directly for me. The examples seem to mirror my own life in a startling way.

Once I was about half way through the book it was a lightbulb went off and the entire pattern of my behavior these past 39 years became so clear to me it was like putting on those 3D glasses we used to get in the Shreddies box back when I was a kid. I could see the code right there in front of me and it was quite unnerving.

As you may recall from my Tangled posts I tend to find deeper messages in strange places. This time it happened to be the Croods.

My brain, theoretically of course, is the cave that the Croods are living in. Over time the Croods Father, in an attempt to protect his family from the calamity of the world, began creating many many rules to avoid danger. 

This is the RFT (Relational Frames Theory) where our brain automatically tags experiences with particular events. In the Croods the father gets to the point where everything involving leaving the cave and venturing out into the world ends in death. He repeats these instructions over and over to his family in an attempt to keep them safe. My Daddy Crood decided first that if we are very good and make everyone happy I would be safe. When that rule was challenged good old Daddy got stricter and enforced the rule that I needed to stay in my house to be safe or die. Well, it would seem that would do it. Except for that part of my brain that is like the Crood's daughter Eve. She wanted to leave the cave so bad and experience life that she could not be content staying in the safety of the cave. 

This my friend's is the part of my brain that suffers from Experiential Avoidance. Eve feels trapped and resentful that her life is being limited by all of her overprotective father's rules. Then she meets Guy. In my scenario "Guy" happens to be my therapist. He sees the Eve in me trying to claim her freedom and gently nudges the father out of the cave and in his own time....into finding the balance between living and existing. It is a hard concept for me to accept that the things that my brain is trying to protect me from may be real...but that I have to endure that in order to live a life that is true to my values.

Mr Crood's love for his family was the value that pushed him out the cave door and into the world looking for Tomorrow. That same value is very strong in me. I may just be peeking out from behind the rock door right now, but I am starting to see the rays of sunlight and I know that's where I want to be. 

Thank you Guy for your quiet wisdom.....sometimes when I was a bit prickly. I am starting to get it. I am learning to endure the symptoms of my anxiety, recognizing that they may never go away, but that I choose to go on despite their existence.

I will bring your book back Friday, I promise!

What lies outside the cave you have created? Can you see the rays of sunshine yet? Roll back that stone door just a bit and take a peek. You may find its worth the effort! My thoughts and prayers are with you always.

Priorities- When you can't face the mountains because you are stuck in the valley

Hello my friends. It seems that each time I am posting I am apologising for my absence. The funny thing is that I tend to do that in life as well. Oh, did you run over my foot with your shopping cart...I'm sorry I was in your way. You took my parking space, Im sorry I did not know you wanted it. You think that I abandoned you and ruined your life....I am so sorry that you were not adopted by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Thats my life in a nutshell. I am sorry....whatever has happened...whatever the cause.....I am sorry...it must have been my fault.

So, priorities....I have been away...well I was here but somehow I lost my ability to reflect on my life....so I am back...but likely very sporadically. My priorities have to be my family...and saving what energy I have to take care of them. You know how exhausting depression and anxiety are and I am most definitely in a valley. 

So though I will try to post as often as I can, I am not going to apologise for the length between posts anymore.

I dropped out of the ACT group. Sorry, I was not sure how to mention that. It was too much for me. It is sort of a sore spot for me even now.

Today I received a copy of some affidavits that have been submitted in a case that I am involved in. A child I once called my son will no longer be. I am relieved on some levels and crushed beyond belief in others. Being a good person does not always guarantee you an easy life. Love does not conquer all. We can't just snap out of depression. Wanting something to work sometimes does not make it happen. Sometimes life just sucks, good guys get hurt....or run into the back of transports as the case may be.

 There is no rhyme or reason to anything. My Faith and My Family are the only things that keep me going. So right now, my priorities are focussing on them until I can handle more.

Today I ask that you pray for me to see beyond the current valley. My thoughts and prayers are with you always.

Understanding Emotional Intelligence: The Amygdala Hijack

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This is an incredible explanation of why we feel anxiety.

Control

Today was meeting number two of the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy group. 

Admittedly I was already tired and ready to go home by the time I arrived at the hospital. 

Did you know that there is actually a real live blockade at the end of my road? What are the bloody chances of that happening? I live in Shannonville for crying out loud. For a person with some anxiety issues this is pretty much more than I can be expected to handle. I had to fight the urge that I had this morning to go down and talk to the protesters and police to see if we can somehow just get along.  The fact that I was tempted to go down to mediate should give you hint as to my mental state at this point. 

Yep, good old anxiety was right again. Stay in the house. The world sucks.

Back to the point of the post, a comment was made by one of the group leaders....not even a comment.....it was written with emphasis on the whiteboard in our meeting room.

Let that rattle around in your thoughts for a bit and see how you feel.  I felt like that damn elephant jumped on my chest. Here all this time I have been waging war on this mental health crap with control as my main....possibly only weapon in my arsenal and now I am being told it is the enemy?????

 I felt a bit cheated I must admit. Control has been the lifeline that I have clung to all these months as I tried to venture out into the world. Its like I have been adrift in the ocean and control was my life preserver and suddenly, and with not a hint of what was to come, someone came and snatched it away. 

Perhaps it is a good thing that I have a long drive home from therapy. It gives me time to rethink what has been said. My initial trauma has nearly subsided now and I can see the glimmer of the idea behind this bold statement. It is like control has been my safety harness....my recovery, a mountain I am climbing. It kept me from falling when I needed it, but now the rope has been drawn tight and it restricts me from climbing further. 

I am now faced with the decision of whether I am content to stay at the level I am currently restricted too...or whether I want to let go of the harness in order to see what lies beyond. 

What mountain are you trying to conquer today? My thoughts and prayers are with you always.