Control

Today was meeting number two of the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy group. 

Admittedly I was already tired and ready to go home by the time I arrived at the hospital. Did you know that there is actually a real live blockade at the end of my road? What are the bloody chances of that happening? I live in Shannonville for crying out loud. For a person with some anxiety issues this is pretty much more than I can be expected to handle. I had to fight the urge that I had this morning to go down and talk to the protesters and police to see if we can somehow just get along.  The fact that I was tempted to go down to mediate should give you hint as to my mental state at this point. 

Yep, good old anxiety was right again. Stay in the house. The world sucks.

Back to the point of the post, a comment was made by one of the group leaders....not even a comment.....it was written with emphasis on the whiteboard in our meeting room.

Let that rattle around in your thoughts for a bit and see how you feel.  I felt like that damn elephant jumped on my chest. Here all this time I have been waging war on this mental health crap with control as my main....possibly only weapon in my arsenal and now I am being told it is the enemy????? I felt a bit cheated I must admit. Control has been the lifeline that I have clung to all these months as I tried to venture out into the world. Its like I have been adrift in the ocean and control was my life preserver and suddenly, and with not a hint of what was to come, someone came and snatched it away. Perhaps it is a good thing that I have a long drive home from therapy. It gives me time to rethink what has been said. My initial trauma has nearly subsided now and I can see the glimmer of the idea behind this bold statement. It is like control has been my safety harness....my recovery, a mountain I am climbing. It kept me from falling when I needed it, but now the rope has been drawn tight and it restricts me from climbing further. I am now faced with the decision of whether I am content to stay at the level I am currently restricted too...or whether I want to let go of the harness in order to see what lies beyond. What mountain are you trying to conquer today? My thoughts and prayers are with you always.