Thursday, 29 August 2013

Finding my limits

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you decided just to say "To Hell With It" and just go out and tackle something? Well I am at that point. In a good way I think. I know that I shared with you earlier my plans to start my own small craft business. Well, that is in full motion now. My business is registered, my tax number obtained, my domain name secured and my business plan in the draft stages. Allot of the issues that I have had surrounding my mental illness has been my loss of identity. I was no longer a productive member of society. I could almost see the terse words forming on my father's lips. Dependant. Helpless. I took an inventory of my skill set and came to the astonishing discovery that I still have marketable skills. I may not be able to go out and manage a team of technicians in a call centre anymore but my management and computer skills are still valid. I may not be needing to create life books for foster children anymore but I can still make memory books for other people. Admittedly there will be some hurdles to the fact that I will need to leave the house to attend craft fairs and workshops but I will have the flexibility to build buffer days around those occasions so that I will have time to decompress. The point of my long winded rant is this: Don't sell yourself short. You are capable of more than you think. Take time today to do a self-inventory and find a way to use those skills. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

Moving Forward One Step At A Time

Wow, this summer has gone by incredibly fast. I have to say that I did not do as well this summer as I did last. Last year my trailer was an oasis of tranquility for me. I felt safe and secure there and felt that I had achieved something for myself by leaving the house and going there. Somehow that lustre has worn off. This year it seems like all the commotion of other campers and just the business of the camp itself has me hiding inside more often then I would like. How do you explain to your children that they can't go swimming on Saturdays because there are too many people in the pool area. I told you that I had been taking the Omega 3 pills and I have stayed on track with that. My shaking has calmed down considerably and the joint pain has lessened as well. I have been able to stay out until around eight o'clock most nights which is a huge improvement over my previous six o'clock exodus. I feel like everyone is expecting me to just wake up one day and be back to the me I was 3 years ago. I know that is not going to happen. My life has changed, I have changed, but I still feel guilt over letting others down. I will be home from the camp in about two weeks and then I will start putting my very predictable schedule back in place. I will return to whatever therapy options are available. I will push on. But I am tired. No one here seems to understand how much energy it takes to just leave my bed in the morning. No one seems to see how hard I struggle each day to get out there and be part of the world (even if only for an hour). I am so thankful that I have made such good connections in the Anxiety Forums and Google+ groups or I might think I was alone in these struggles. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. -Tracy

Saturday, 3 August 2013

More Tangled Thoughts

Ok, Ok...enough of the disney flicks....I know! This is the last one I promise. Just a thought though: Rapunzal  spends her entire young life wondering about the beautiful paper lanterns she sees illuminating the sky every year on her birthday. She dreams about seeing them up close and discovering their mystery.  She is however trapped in a tower which she never leaves as she feels she has to protect her very long magic hair.  As she finally sets off on her adventure she is weighed down by the lengths of hair.  She uses the hair to her advantage at several points in her journey but she feel that is is the magic hair that is the important part of who she is. Ironically it is when her hair is cut off that she is free to realize the life she dreams of.  I can empathise with this poor girl. No I don't think I am a long loss heiress....though I can hope....but I understand the feeling of needing to stay shut off from the world. To protect those things in my life that I feel define me.  What a liberating thing it would be to be able to let cut off my hair so to speak and have the courage to see who I would become.  I think I better cut back on the Disney flicks...they may be getting too deep for me. I think its time to turn back to some mindless comedy that won't provoke my overactive analytical mind.  My thoughts and prayers are with you always and I am praying you are able to liberate yourself from whatever is weighing you down.

Friday, 2 August 2013

Tangled Thoughts

My family has started a Saturday tradition of watching movies out on our lawn curled up under our coziest blankets.  We of course watch only family friendly flicks and last week's selection was no exception.  While watching the adventure seeking Rapunzel fleeing the bad guys with her dashing cohort Flynn Ryder I stumbled upon a message that struck me straight to the heart. After being asked something about his past Flynn simply replies "sorry blondie, I don't do the backstory thing". Think about that for a minute. Imagine if we could stop replaying our "backstory". Why do we feel the need to share the very things in our past that have caused us so much pain. I am imagining a world where I don't feel the need to tell people I can understand because I have been there.  Why can't I just understand and offer them a friendly ear and open arms.  I am totally getting a new mantra. If it was something in my past that made me stronger I am just going to be thankful for the gift of strength, if it is something that wounded me.....I am just going to try to let go.  The people that are gone now I will decide if its worth the energy to keep them alive in my heart or if it is time to just let go of the things that will never be.  I am tired of living my life looking in the rear view mirror all the time.  I want to focus on what is going on around me.  Maybe if I "don't do the backstory thing" I will open up new world where I can't hide behind what has happened in my life and I will have to tackle the job of daily life.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope you are able to lower the volume on your backstory today and focus on the blessings around you.