Monday 26 October 2015

Shadows of Me

Spoiler Alert: Don't read this post if you are already depressed. This post is really just about me excising some ghosts that I have carried for too long. The weight of them is crushing me today.

All my life I have tried with every ounce of being to be the perfect child, the best student, the ideal employee, best wife, super mom. I have used all my strength and resolve to keep everyone in my life at the time happy. Unfortunately it has drained my cup to the point where I am not sure it will ever be replenished.

Most of the time I was in survival mode. Be a good child so as not to make my father angry, be endearing so that my mother would still want access to me. Do well in school so that my Dad would not be displeased. Work hard so that I could move up the ladder and make my parents proud. Put my husband and family first in all things and put everything I have into making their life the best it can be.

Lets do a tally of how it worked out:

My Dad is dead, even though I sat with him the entire day before he passed, I was the only one that was not at his bedside when he took his last breath. I was taking my son to his specialist appointment in Kingston at the the time. The doctors had said he was stable and that i should go. I drove back as soon as my sister text me and missed him by 5 mins. I never got to resolve anything with him. Just a big black hole of emptiness, of not knowing why I was never good enough.

My Mommy dearest who I have a spent my life trying to be supportive of and hide her mistakes to make her feel like she was a good person. Guess what, she made mistakes, we all have. Her mistakes have cost me so many times and her line is "But what would my life have been if I had stayed?" What was our lives like because you left??? Was her life so much more important that the lives of three innocent girls? So I stood beside her through all the years while my sisters took decades off to pout and vent their displeasure with her actions. Not me, not old faithful obedient one. Now every chance she has to get in good with the prodigal daughters I am tossed to the side until she requires my reassurances again. My kids are not as important, second rate, adopted kids. No need for her to disrupt her singing career to be there to build a relationship with them.

My career, well how fast your skills and achievements are forgotten once you become "Mentally Ill". At one time I was the golden woman. Asked to participate in any number of projects. Now, it seems my phone never rings.

My husband and kids. Well that's all I have left. He has never tried to understand what is wrong with me and resents how the medication has changed me. My kids are all high needs and I hear almost daily how one or another of them hates me, wants to kill me, is running away as soon as they are old enough. Usually due to my asking them to brush their teeth or go to bed.

I was told recently by a loved one that I am not even a shadow of the person i used to be. My question to them is "where do you think that light went?' Keeping everyone else burning bright has cost me my own flame. I feel it burned out inside of me. Nothing left but sooty coals. Nothing left to fuel the fire.

Hoping that your life summation is less bleak than mine. My thoughts and prayers are with you always.


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