Monday 24 February 2014

Rabbit Holes

My goodness how time passes. It has already been nearly two weeks since my last appointment in Kingston.

Now that I know they are reading my blog I will have to make an extra effort to be nice.

At my appointment, well I should say appointments as I was fortunate to have both the Psychiatrist and Psychologist booked on the same day. I have a story to tell you about what happened in the time between these two appointments but that can wait for another post.  Today I want to discuss the big realization that occurred at the second appointment.

My therapist asked me to describe or give an analogy of what it  is like for me to travel to the appointments. I have to admit, it is easier than it once was. I still feel queasy and have several mini attacks during the trip but I have noticed I don't grasp the steering wheel with the same death grip I once did. I don't shrivel and tear up if I have to share an elevator. (Though I do still believe it is going to plummet to the ground one of these days), I think that to someone that did not know what was whirling around in my brain at any given moment I might appear to be...dare I say it...Normal? Some Mental Health Advocate just between us, when I think of a definition of normal, my picture is certainly not posted beside it.

Oh, but back to the analogy of what it is like for me to leave the house. I said it is like rabbit holes. I am like a rabbit who has to venture out of their safe little burrow and race like hell to get to the safety of the next one. Though I like to think I am expanding my world...really I am just discovering new rabbit holes to duck into in order to avoid the perils of the outside world. The hospital where I have my counselling sessions is a new one, my camp ground...rabbit hole. When I am out in the world I am not really present....I am just in the process of running to the next hole. My therapist asked why I ran from hole to hole and truly the reason is that all I see now are the dangers lurking out there. He laughed and said that there are allot of rabbits that seem to be hopping around outside. Thats true but I see more rabbit fatalities around my house then I do happy little bunnies romping around.

I drew some sketches to explain what it is like. Forgive the roughness of the drawings, as I said in my last post my shaking and arthritis is playing havoc on my ability to draw.

So this is me. (If I were a rabbit of course)....
I like how safe I feel when I am in my home, where the world carries on without me, where nothing can hurt me.

The problem is that I have never been much of a solitary person. I love to be out with my friends and family (in small groupings) interacting and being apart of things. My poor Husband and Children must feel so smothered by me as I try to glean any human contact from their time out in the world. So I stay in to be safe but then I am so terribly lonely.

When I think about leaving the house and venturing into the world, every bad scenario plays through my mind reminding me why it's a bad idea. I know its my brain phishing me...but its really good at it and I get tired of trying to fight it all the time. So most times I just stay in the hole. He asked if I think the world is a bad place and without hesitation I said yes. Then he asked me if the internet was a bad place and again without hesitation I said no...there were just some bad people on it. I like the safety I feel from talking online. You can't hurt me because I always have the option to block you, unfriend you, unfollow or plain out delete you. Life offers me no such privacy settings.

I know that my perception of what lies outside my little burrow is likely not accurate, but trying to find out what it really is like out there just seems too dangerous...I'm not that brave. I think that may in fact be what is holding me back. Bravery was something I took for granted as a young woman. I never thought I would lose it. The thing is, its really easy to brave when the greatest of your fears is that something will happen to you. As you get older you realize that the worse thing that can happen is that something could happen to the ones you love. Like how Super Heroes are afraid to have families because they know the villain will use them. I am no Super Hero...and honestly I look wretched in tights, but I have that same fear....that the ultimate villain will use my family as a weapon against me. How would I fare when my faith is tested that far? It worked out ok for Job....but I doubt I would do as well.

What is the fear that is holding you down the rabbit hole today? Are you brave enough to face it yet? My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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