When there are no more tears too shed.

Happy New Year. That's what we are supposed to say right. I am struggling with that right now. It feels a whole lot like the same old crap as last year. Don't get me wrong, I have some glimmers of hope for exciting things to happen this year but right now I am feeling so impossibly worn out by life.

I was called as a witness to an abuse trial which heads to court next week. I certainly want to testify but I am also aware that it may be a huge trigger for my anxiety. The solution that I suggested was to let me make my testimony via closed circuit tv. In order to do this I need a letter from my psychiatrist saying that I would be unable to take the stand in a traditional way. That being said the crown needs the letter not to open a can off worms about my mental state. That really undoes all the antistigma efforts that have occurred over the past few years. Just because I suffer from anxiety and depression does not make me an unfit witness, rather it just means that I require a small accommodation.

My daughter and I were in a car accident before Christmas and I am in quite bad pain still. When I drive the small car riding mere inches from the ground (or so it feels) I have visions of all that debris coming up on the windshield and the panicky feeling that my daughter will be killed. Ironically, thanks to this accident I have to drive twice as much to keep up with physio, insurance and getting my car fixed on top of all the regular appointments for the kids and now the court preparations.

I know I need to look at it all and remember that I am blessed to have a great family, warm home and amazing friends. I know that, really I do. All I ask is for a time of quiet. A time to rest. A time that there is no more need for me to shed tears.