I am in a really strange place in my life right now. There are some extremely exciting things happening for me, but also some very life shattering as well. The exciting things are keeping me busy, making me stretch my boundaries and constantly push myself out into the world. The hard stuff makes me want to curl up in a ball on my bed and just let life pass by.
When I was a foster parent as soon as a child would leave I would have another within hours. That's how I liked it. No time to dwell on the loss or the grief, a new child that needed me to be active and present in their care. I did that for a really long time. Skipped the agonizing pain of having child after child that I loved and often they called my Mommy leave my life. People would always say, "I don't know how you do it, I couldn't give them back." Each time someone said that I felt a tiny prick in my heart that reminded me that the grief was still there, waiting to be dealt with. When the floodgates of grief finally swept over me I was drowning in it. I was fortunate that there were very talented professionals that did not give up on me.
Now I am bit gunshy. I want to enjoy all the new things that have come into my life, but I am afraid that they are mere distractions from the hurt and pain my family is enduring. I don't know that I am capable of dealing with this stuff head on, but I certainly don't want to let is fester either. As with all things I guess the solution is in finding the balance between the two situations and hoping for the best.
My thoughts and prayers are with you always.
Tracy
P.S. The good stuff is I was hired to do the social media management for a band, I am a 2016 Design Team member for two companies. Wish me luck.
