Mental Health Day- Caution Woman on the Edge

Today feels like a Monday to me. Long weekends always seem to throw my mental calendar out of whack.  I think I will stick a post it note on the fridge today to remind me that it is in fact Tuesday.  Do you feel like your week has started on the wrong foot when a holiday steals away a day that you could not work towards your to-do list.  That is how I am feeling today.  My next show is November 1^st and 2^nd and I am supposed to be hosting workshops in my new studio by …now really.  I feel everything backing up into a big unmanageable mess.  I think that as important as crossing things off my list today I need to stay focused on my anxiety level.  Perhaps the things that I am worried about are not worth the weight that I am attaching to them in the whole scope of things.  I am going to take some time today to go back and reread my old posts….find some tidbits to help me reorganize my thoughts and priorities and get me moving forward again.  I am going to spend some time brushing up on my CBT exercises and also some of my relaxation techniques.  I have mentioned a few times that I am trying to compile a list of Android Apps that help with Mental Health and I have to say I am really impressed with a few that I have looked at already.  There are allot of crappy ones out there that are clouded with ads that make me feel overwhelmed to even look at but then there are several that are very clean and user friendly.  I can’t wait to share them with you.  Unfortunately it won’t be today.  As I said….I am taking a Mental Health Day today! Maybe you should commit a few hours of your schedule today towards helping your mental health journey. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. Tracy

Mental Health Vacation

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Self-Help (MP3s and Worksheets)

Positive Attitude

Positive Activities

Inspiration

Life's Little Hurdles

I am writing this post in follow up to my earlier post about my struggles to have my disability accommodated by a bus company. I spent the entire afternoon talking with various branches of the goverment that deals with human rights. In Ontario every business, service and acency has a legal duty to ensure that they accommodate persons with disabilities. ....to the point of undue hardship.  It does not just mean visable disabilities. The act specifically speaks to people with mental or intellectual disabilities.  I was just getting off the phone with the Ontario Human Rights Tribunal Legal Defense Team (by the way there is a favourable decision in a very similiar case from February) when the bus stopped in front of my house. Really. The kids (not munchkin he goes tomorrow ) triumphantly waving their amended bus planner forms. Thank you all for your tweets, fb shares, googling and most of all prayers . Thank you to all the people that helped strengthen my voice. Thank you Gail McCullough for reconsidering my needs. This one decision will  impact my life and ability to deal with daily functioning in exponential ways. I hope that whatever hurdle you are trying to get through today, that there is someone there to help lift you up....I promise you my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Life's Hurdles- Please Help Me!

Sometimes it feels like this blog is a rollercoaster and I feel like I am dragging you along on all the ups and downs of my life.  Then I remember that is what I said it was likely to do way back when I began this.  My journey in all its failures and triumphs.  I think todays post probably falls into the first category.  My little one started school last month you may recall.  That in itself has been a rollercoaster but now a new bump in the road has emerged.  I am not sure if I ever told you but my children all have pretty horrific stories of origin and as a result they all tend to exhibit some pretty significant behavioural challenges. We knew that would be the case each time we applied to adopt them.  Something I will never regret.  Unfortunately I did not plan to become a social phobic, agoraphobic....whatever phobic resonates with you to describe my complete and utter inability to function on a regular basis in the world.  Who would know to plan for that?  So back to my bumpkin....he has to ride the bus.  This requires me to walk the three children down the gravel road to the neighbours...who i don't know....and stand there trying to overcome my innate desire to escape and wrangling a very strong behavioural 4 year old. I requested to have the bus stop at my home but because of the proximity to the stop at the neighbours it was declined.  How do you tackle something like this.  I understand fully the position of the transportation guru but she has no idea how big that distance is from my safe spot...my home.  How can I convey to her the depths of anxiety that I experience when I have to walk those 3 bus lengths to the stop.  How can I make her understand that those few steps are the difference between my functioning as a normal member of society or being a big shaking mass of nausea and and horror.  Not the safest situation for my child.  This is the email I sent in response to the denial of my initial request:

Accessibility for People with disabilities.

Inbox

x

Tracy Sagriff <tmsagriff@yahoo.com>	7:34 PM (17 hours ago)
to mcculloughg

Dear Gale I was informed today that my request for a transportation change for my children was denied.  It is a concern to me that my request was denied even though I clearly stated on the form that  I am a person with a severe disability preventing me from continuing to take my son to a  neighbours to catch the bus. I would have hoped that an organization responsible for the  transportation of thousands of students daily would be more accommodating and at least  gather more information before denying the request. Though the safety of my four year old  as well as my safety do not seem to fall into your balance of schedule vs accessibility it is  paramount in my mind. Ontario has laws in regards to requirements for accessibility to  services. Now that I know the position of your company in regards to people with  disabilities I feel the need to contact appropriate government agencies in ensuring  your company is not able to deny help to people who require assistance. Please be  advised that as my disability limits my ability to contact these agencies in person I may  be required to use social media to raise awareness of the level of accessibility in your  organization.. I would have appreciated being able to discuss this with you but I  understand your office is very busy as it took 3 weeks to deny my request without so much as a cursory discussion about it. I pray that you and your family is never hit by a  disability and if you are I will pray that you are allowed more dignity than to have to walk your  child to a bus stop trying to hold him from running into traffic while trying to overcome your  own weaknesses. Kindest regards Tracy Sagriff #InvisibleDisabilities are real, you just can't see them. Sent from Yahoo! Mail on Android Ok so it may sound a bit harsh but I was really unwell after receiving the denial  and I really did not know where to put that excess energy.  This was her reply: Good Morning Mrs. Sagriff Thank you for your email message. May I impress on you that this office did investigate your request. We noted that the bus stop location assigned for your family is  46 metres from the end of your driveway and along with your JK student, you also  have two grade six students getting on and off the bus at the same location. The safety  of all children is paramount in all the decisions made at Tri-Board Student Transportation  Services. As stated the existing stop location is very close to your address – about three  bus lengths away. This is too short of a distance to safely establish a second bus stop  location. Gail McCullough Gail McCullough Transportation Supervisor (613) 354-1981 ext 325 Fax # 1-866 697-0719 mcculloughg@triboard.on.ca         Thank you Gail. I am aware that the distance is quite short.  However I have a feeling that  this very professional person has never tried to deal with children while experiencing a  mental health meltdown.  And finally this was my response: Dear Gale The distance could be 100 miles away and it would not have been any different. I am being treated for severe  social anxiety, panic attack disorder, clinical depression and ocd. I don't know if you have much experience  with mental health issues but in my case I am agoraphobic. My house (sometimes only my laundry room in  the basement) is my place of safety. If I leave my home for even a few moments my brain gets overstimulated  and produces chemicals that tell my body I am in imminent danger and kicks in what is referred to as the  fight or flight reflex. If you can imagine trying to control a behavioural special needs child while battling this  chemical mess in my body it is very dangerous. As for the two other children being of any assistance they  are also special needs. You may remember me from fostering as I recall we interacted several times on  various children's behalf. I am no longer able to foster as my mental health has deteriorated and my ability to function outside my home has disappeared. These last three I adopted prior to getting sick. I understand your perspective completely but it is one of those situations where you have to look beyond the mathematics and  look at the functionality of the matter. Please talk to the bus driver or I can give you a list of 10 doctors and  counselors that I work with to deal with this illness. I am not asking for the bus to stop here every day. Only  when Isaiah attends school. The family next door is only riding the bus 50% of the time as they are at their fathers the rest of the time. That means it only affects them 1/4 of the time as Isaiah goes every other day.  Less than that even as the neighbours play hockey some mornings and are driven to school please help  me to come up with an amicable solution to this. It may seem trivial to you but the distance is like an ocean  to me and I am truly concerned that I am not capable of keeping Isaiah secure as it currently stands. It will  be even worse when it is all icy and snowy but also the lack of sunshine increases the symptoms of  depression. I am earnestly begging you to reconsider declining my request. I am not trying to be pushy or  unkind I am just trying to function as best I can outside my home. Thanks for your consideration of this matter. Tracy Sent from Yahoo! Mail on Android So now I sit and wait.  My mental health and my child's safety in the hands of a  woman that rarely looks beyond her spreadsheets to see how her decisions affect  the rest of the world.  Where do I go now? What do I do? I am not able to advocate  for us any further than this keyboard. I feel defeated and helpless and really just  like giving up. If I can't even get my child safely to school in the morning how can  I say I am making strides in my recovery.  Its all for nothing.  I need someone to  help me. To fight on my side.  To give me a voice so that I can make the world  hear that #InvisibleDisabilities are real and need to be taken into consideration.   Please help me gain a voice.  If you are affected by an invisible disability either  personally or someone in your life please help me to make the world understand.   Would she understand that 46m is an impossible distance if I was missing my legs  or unable to move.  Its a similar sensation when your brain decides to tell your  body not to move.  Please email this woman and let her know how  #InvisibleDisabilies affect your daily life. Her email address is mcculoughg@triboard.ca. Please help me! Please share this email address with  everyone you know that needs a voice.  We can't let people who suffer with  Mental Health Issues be swept into silence! Tweet this message! Facebook it!  Google + it! We need a voice. We need support.  We need to be heard. In the  words of the great story Horton hears a Who... "WE ARE HERE! WE ARE HERE! WE ARE HERE!" My thoughts and prayers are with you always! Also a special shout out to  @StrokeDan for his encouragement and prayers last night as he tweeted me through it all.  Thanks Dan! Please feel free to visit the Triboard Transportation Site for more information

about this wonder of modern efficiency

Triboard Transportation

#InvisibleDisabilities Please help to find a voice to explain #InvisibleDisabilities to an organization #accessibilty http://t.co/HCmS3voyUQ
— My Grandma's Teacups (@TracySagriff) October 2, 2013

Find Some Inspiration

Do you ever notice how when you are around positive people you just feel more.....well...positive. Not exactly ground breaking news there but this post is really just about encouraging you to step out there and find people that are inspiring to you.  I don't suggest that you have to go out and actually meet the people...you know that I am all about the baby steps.  Go to youtube or facebook and poke around and find the people that listening to their updates and videos gives your day a lift.  This has become my evening ritual. Instead of watching tv or mindless mishap videos online I try to spend the last hour of my day watching videos of people that inspire me.  Usually I am following the brilliant exploits of My Sister's Scrapper or the amazing Kathy Orta but lately I have been looking for more.  Inspiration to get back into crafting is wonderful but I am looking for inspiration to get back into life.  One of the people that have been inspiring me lately is motivational speaker +Michael Ballard . He has overcome allot in his life and he carries on with an optimism and general happy demeanor that should encourage each of us to re-examine our lives and find ways to cope with our circumstances.  Do yourself a favour and find an inspiration hero.....or you can borrow mine. Check out his YouTube Channel to hear all that he has to say about resiliency. (This is not a sponsored ad....lol..I really just think he is very inspiring). Take time today to be inspired. My thoughts and prayers are with you as always. -Tracy

Is Social Media a Band-Aid for Social Anxiety or Is It A Possible Treatment

The thing about social anxiety is this...it's really hard to find people struggling with it because we are all shut up in our houses. Daily I am bombarded with studies about Social Media and how it is creating an environment of anti-social behaviour among families.  It is not uncommon to see people walking down the street checking their online presence or sitting in a restaurant with each person peering at their phone.  I agree people are getting to engrossed in the virtual life and not engaging in the real world enough.  That being said, without social media I would not be making the strides that I am in my own journey.  The people that I have met through Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and other sites have encouraged me and inspired me through things that people in my "real world" could never truly understand.  Without social media to give me a soap box to stand on to shout out my discontentment at the world I might feel smaller than I do.  Without social media I would not have to strength to tell others what I am struggling with and in turn listen to their concerns with their own lives.  I think of the famous recluses of the past Greta Garbo, Emily Dickinson, J.D. Salinger and Harper Lee, what effect would social media have had on their lives. Would their work have been more brilliant from the benefit of being able to share ideas with others, or does their genius stem from their isolation.  I think social media may be a double edged sword. For those individuals that are out there in the world able to socialize and have a life it may be stunting their social skills. For those of us that are forced to observe life from the sidelines I think it is a lifeline, forever pulling us back into society.  I am hopeful that whatever tool you have at your disposal today, be it social media, a phone or the opportunity to get out of the house...use it.....push yourself...my thoughts and prayers are with your always.

Getting Stronger Every Day

Well my friends I have been MIA again. My apologies. I have exciting news to share though, so perhaps that will help you to overlook the entire absence.  On Saturday I participated in my first craft show. Really! I even have pictures to prove it. I, Tracy Marlene Sagriff packed up my little craft stash and headed out into the big bad  world. From a fiscal prospective it was not a very lucrative venture but from a therapeutic standpoint it was a pivotal moment for me.  Sure, I felt like I MIGHT die several times during the day....and nearly threw up a time or two...I remained. Better yet, I smiled and was engaging. It may surprise you to hear that I even forced myself to make the loop around the show to interact and establish a rapport with the other vendors. I paid a hefty price Saturday night and Sunday but I think it was well worth it. My confidence in my ability to move past this debilitating disorder is at the highest point it has been in a really long time. I planned the excursion out beforehand to ensure that I had supports in place just in case. I made sure that the woman running the event was aware that I needed a booth near an exit and I also had my Mom and great friend stay with me. Knowing that these supports were in place gave me the courage to push myself. We are all stronger than we think. Sometimes we just need to prove it to ourselves. My thoughts and prayers are with you - Tracy

Running on Overload

Hello Friends. I apologise for my absence the last couple of weeks. Last week my youngest child started Kindergarten and I was struggling with having him go. I don't think it is a matter of my anxiety issues (though I am sure that did not help) but rather just the regular empty nest thing. It is so hard for me to let them go out into the world without me. Of course I don't want to be out there and they need to be so I guess I have to just let go. I am also struggling with readjusting to life at home vs the trailer. Transitions seem to be a challenge for me anymore. I have nearly stopped shaking most of the time. Even out in the real world people are noticing that my tremor is less pronounced. I am feeling good about that as now I don't feel like everyone will be looking at me. (Not that they ever really were) just my insecurity on how the shaking made me look. This week I had the best of intentions of returning to the blog but then guess what I did. Tuesday night when I went to take my night meds I accidently had the pill minder backwards in the dimly lit kitchen and I took my Wednesday AM meds. My daily dosage of Zoloft is 175 mg and I ended up taking it twice. Add to that the fact that I took it instead of the Zopiclone I should have been taking and you have one sick Mamma. Obviously I did not even close my eyes on Tuesday night. I sat and watched the clock move excrutiatingly slow all night long. I got really annoyed several times during the night at my husband. It felt to me that his snoring was just some way of rubbing it in that he was asleep. It was not until Wednesday morning that I realized what I had done. By then my husband was gone to work and the kids were at school so I just lay on the couch and hoped the ill effects would pass. Of course I still could not sleep until later afternoon and then I did not want to because I knew if I did I would be up again all night. Nausous and headachy I was determined to stick it out. I went through the whole gambit of side effects that I have gone through each time my meds were increased and I was in misery. I am thankful to be feeling much better today. I can't believe I made such a silly mistake. It scares me to think how one blip like that can wreak such havoc. Have you ever made a mistake with your medication? I wonder how common it is. I wish I knew of a better way to keep track. Oh well. I lived to fight another day. So I guess the post has a happy ending. My thoughts and prayers are with you. P.S. I am going to do a post on the most helpful mood monitoring apps for Android phones. If you have a favourite that you would like me to include/ check out let me know.