Finding my limits

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you decided just to say "To Hell With It" and just go out and tackle something? Well I am at that point. In a good way I think. I know that I shared with you earlier my plans to start my own small craft business. Well, that is in full motion now. My business is registered, my tax number obtained, my domain name secured and my business plan in the draft stages. Allot of the issues that I have had surrounding my mental illness has been my loss of identity. I was no longer a productive member of society. I could almost see the terse words forming on my father's lips. Dependant. Helpless. I took an inventory of my skill set and came to the astonishing discovery that I still have marketable skills. I may not be able to go out and manage a team of technicians in a call centre anymore but my management and computer skills are still valid. I may not be needing to create life books for foster children anymore but I can still make memory books for other people. Admittedly there will be some hurdles to overcome....like the fact that I will need to leave the house to attend craft fairs and workshops but I will have the flexibility to build buffer days around those occasions so that I will have time to decompress. The point of my long winded rant is this: Don't sell yourself short. You are capable of more than you think. Take time today to do a self-inventory and find a way to use those skills. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

http://www.universityaffairs.ca/uploadedFiles/Documents/PDF/Careers/CareerCorner2008-Job-Skills-Self-Assessment-Tool.pdf

Moving Forward One Step At A Time

Wow, this summer has gone by incredibly fast. I have to say that I did not do as well this summer as I did last. Last year my trailer was an oasis of tranquility for me. I felt safe and secure there and felt that I had achieved something for myself by leaving the house and going there. Somehow that lustre has worn off. This year it seems like all the commotion of other campers and just the business of the camp itself has me hiding inside more often then I would like. How do you explain to your children that they can't go swimming on Saturdays because there are too many people in the pool area. I told you that I had been taking the Omega 3 pills and I have stayed on track with that. My shaking has calmed down considerably and the joint pain has lessened as well. I have been able to stay out until around eight o'clock most nights which is a huge improvement over my previous six o'clock exodus. I feel like everyone is expecting me to just wake up one day and be back to the me I was 3 years ago. I know that is not going to happen. My life has changed, I have changed, but I still feel guilt over letting others down. I will be home from the camp in about two weeks and then I will start putting my very predictable schedule back in place. I will return to whatever therapy options are available. I will push on. But I am tired. No one here seems to understand how much energy it takes to just leave my bed in the morning. No one seems to see how hard I struggle each day to get out there and be part of the world (even if only for an hour). I am so thankful that I have made such good connections in the Anxiety Forums and Google+ groups or I might think I was alone in these struggles. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. -Tracy

More Tangled Thoughts

Ok, Ok...enough of the disney flicks....I know! This is the last one I promise. Just a thought though: Rapunzal  spends her entire young life wondering about the beautiful paper lanterns she sees illuminating the sky every year on her birthday. She dreams about seeing them up close and discovering their mystery.  She is however trapped in a tower which she never leaves as she feels she has to protect her very long magic hair.  As she finally sets off on her adventure she is weighed down by the lengths of hair.  She uses the hair to her advantage at several points in her journey but she feel that is is the magic hair that is the important part of who she is. Ironically it is when her hair is cut off that she is free to realize the life she dreams of.  I can empathise with this poor girl. No I don't think I am a long loss heiress....though I can hope....but I understand the feeling of needing to stay shut off from the world. To protect those things in my life that I feel define me.  What a liberating thing it would be to be able to let go....to cut off my hair so to speak and have the courage to see who I would become.  I think I better cut back on the Disney flicks...they may be getting too deep for me. I think its time to turn back to some mindless comedy that won't provoke my overactive analytical mind.  My thoughts and prayers are with you always and I am praying you are able to liberate yourself from whatever is weighing you down.
 

Tangled Thoughts

My family has started a Saturday tradition of watching movies out on our lawn curled up under our coziest blankets.  We of course watch only family friendly flicks and last week's selection was no exception.  While watching the adventure seeking Rapunzel fleeing the bad guys with her dashing cohort Flynn Ryder I stumbled upon a message that struck me straight to the heart. After being asked something about his past Flynn simply replies "sorry blondie, I don't do the backstory thing". Think about that for a minute. Imagine if we could stop replaying our "backstory". Why do we feel the need to share the very things in our past that have caused us so much pain. I am imagining a world where I don't feel the need to tell people I can understand because I have been there.  Why can't I just understand and offer them a friendly ear and open arms.  I am totally getting a new mantra. If it was something in my past that made me stronger I am just going to be thankful for the gift of strength, if it is something that wounded me.....I am just going to try to let go.  The people that are gone now I will decide if its worth the energy to keep them alive in my heart or if it is time to just let go of the things that will never be.  I am tired of living my life looking in the rear view mirror all the time.  I want to focus on what is going on around me.  Maybe if I "don't do the backstory thing" I will open up new world where I can't hide behind what has happened in my life and I will have to tackle the job of daily life.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope you are able to lower the volume on your backstory today and focus on the blessings around you.

Bursting With Excitement

How time flies. It's almost time for our friend Kerry Connely's second book Shaken to hit the shelves. Guess what! She has been in contact to say that she will be stopping by to do an interview early in August. I don't know about you, but i can't wait to get my hands on this book. Kerry had become such a hero to me as she puts herself out there to raise awareness about the effects of abuse and depression.  Keep an eye out for her upcoming interview. Better yet, sign up for updates through google plus or bloglovin and you will be sent the update automatically. Take care and enjoy the weather. My thoughtts and prayers are with you.

Tracy

P.S. I REALLY AM SO EXCITED +author KLC

This idea seemed to fishy to work....but it does!

Whew I am so glad that the humidity has let up for a few days. I just wanted to pop in and let you know about a suggestion that I was given in one of the google plus groups to help alleviate my joint pain in my hands and feet. My anxiety issues sometimes...ok pretty much always have me shaking and twitching and it has begun to result in osteoarthritis. To the point! +Meditation for Health | Seek Within You  suggested that essential fatty acids such as flaxseed or fish oils would help reduce the pain and inflammation as well as help reduce my anxiety effects. I was admittedly doubtful that this would work. I grew up choking down halibut oil capsules all winter as my Grandmother insisted that it would ward off colds. After suffering yet another night of nauseated stomach from the Tylenol Arthritis I had taken I was motivated to give it a try. I bought Jamieson Brand Omega 3 with Flaxseed Oil and read the label carefully.  It said to take 3 capsules 3 times a day. Ok, so I am not that thrilled with the idea of choking down these monster sized footballs of smelly oil so I decide on a compromise with myself . I will try 2 capsules, twice daily. Within a couple of days my husband noticed that I was able to do more without my hands bothering me. I also started staying out of the trailer for longer periods of time and I actually went to a fish fry that had me sitting wedged at the back of a deck with at least 8 adults all conversing wildly beside me. I am not saying that this is going to cure all that ails you my friend but it is certainly worth a try.  I have been taking it for a few weeks now and I am no longer taking the Tylenol.  Thank you so much +Meditation for Health | Seek Within You  this was such a helpful suggestion.  Maybe we can sweet talk our new google + friend and have a new guest blogger.
My thoughts and prayers are with you always.

Tracy

Read more about Omega 3 and Flaxseed Oils at
Jamieson Vitamins

Alone In A Crowd

So its laundry day today. That is why I am home and not at the trailer. Once I figure out where to stick a washer and dryer in my paradise on wheels I won't need to traverse the country for clean socks. Did you have a good holiday (July 1st for my Canadian pals or July 4th for my American friends). Well, I dreaded Canada Day weekend since...well...last Canada Day probably. My husband's family seem to feel the need to congregate around this time of year. Usually it lasts for days and days but this year the bulk of it occurred on Sunday. The children and I decided to stay in the trailer in the afternoon and catch up on a few kid flicks but it was inevitable that they would be coaxed outside by the smell of bbq and the commotion of tents being erected. I ventured out onto the deck and it hit me like a mack truck. The attack. You know it. I was paralysed and barely made it to my comfy deck chair. They were all there, the Aunts and Uncles and Cousins all toting what seemed to be endless acquaintances and their offspring. Thank goodness that my husband built me that fence around our site last year. It kept the well meaning relatives at bay. The children went off to the celebration leaving me alone with no cover for my absence from the party. My husband was good enough to grab a plate of food at supper and wrangle the kids back to our trailer to eat with me. Once the sparklers and glow bands came out though I knew they would run off to be with the group. Not that I don't want them to. Of course I want them to have a wonderful time, but I selfishly also wished they would stay with me. Don't leave me there alone and exposed. At 9:00 the entire clan mounted the golf carts and went to the site of the fireworks. I was left alone at the edge of my fence looking out to see if I could catch a glimpse of the show. As the fireworks began to fly I could hear the ooohhhs and awwwws from the crowd and I shrank back feeling so low, so alone, so pathetic. What was stopping me from going. It is crazy. I am a grown woman and I can't leave my fenced yard? I think that this was the lowest moment I have had in a very very long time.  As I stood alone in the shadows of my tree hoping not to be noticed by any stray party goer I watched the fireworks as they lit the sky over the treeline. When I think I reached the bottom of my self indulgent pity party I lifted my heart and prayed for God to tell my WHY! Then I noticed in the dim light the soft glow of a firefly. Then another, and another. The entire tree was lit up in that eerie iridescent glow emitted from the tiny bugs. I felt a sense of peace rush over me and I knew I was not alone. I am never alone. I just have to take the time to listen to the whisper in my heart. Even though I would have loved to be with my kids as they watched the display of pyrotechnic genius, I am grateful that I was given that moment of   solitude to experience the love that will always be with me.  My thoughts and prayers are with you today and always.

Tracy