A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Doctor's Office

Oh come on, really? You believed that title? I am disappointed in you.  You should know by now that I hate, hate, hate the drive to Hotel Dieu. That being said, i did like my new therapist. His approach to the entire first appointment made me know that he and I would work well together.  First of all his office was not all plush and overly designed to make you almost forget someone was picking your brain,. I like that. There were no fluffy pillows or plump chairs that you sink way to far into. He did however sit in a regular chair, not in front of his computer screen taking notes or checking email. Another plus. Ok, so the man had a leg up on the situation since he already knew that I am very interested in learning about Acceptance Commitment Therapy and he is an expert in that field. We will overlook that for now.  I think that I had set myself up to think that this Dr. was going to dispel my enthusiasm for this therapy by somehow popping the bubble of hope I had been allowing to build in me since learning a tiny bit about ACT during my summer reading.  He didn't! He seemed to think that I was a very good candidate for it. So now I have to wait until there are enough people with anxiety disorders to run a group. That should be easy right? If you know of anyone with these disorders in my local area please send them to this guy!!...(just kidding)...So he is projecting February should be the start date of the group. This is the best part. He gives homework! That means that I will have an organized path to recovery. Whatever that recovery may look like.  So once again I feel that I am moving in the right direction. I will share anything that I learn as we progress through the program. He mentioned that the book that the therapy is based on is "Get out of your mind, and into your life" by Stephen C.  Hayes. I am hoping that your life is heading in the right direction today. If it's not, tomorrow you will have the chance to try again. My thoughts and prayers are with you.-Tracy

Steven C. Hayes (born 1948)^[1] is Nevada Foundation Professor at the Department of Psychology at the University of Nevada, Reno. He is known for an analysis of human language and cognition (Relational Frame Theory), and its application to various psychological difficulties (his work on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).

Life's Little Hurdles

I am writing this post in follow up to my earlier post about my struggles to have my disability accommodated by a bus company. I spent the entire afternoon talking with various branches of the goverment that deals with human rights. In Ontario every business, service and acency has a legal duty to ensure that they accommodate persons with disabilities. ....to the point of undue hardship.  It does not just mean visable disabilities. The act specifically speaks to people with mental or intellectual disabilities.  I was just getting off the phone with the Ontario Human Rights Tribunal Legal Defense Team (by the way there is a favourable decision in a very similiar case from February) when the bus stopped in front of my house. Really. The kids (not munchkin he goes tomorrow ) triumphantly waving their amended bus planner forms. Thank you all for your tweets, fb shares, googling and most of all prayers . Thank you to all the people that helped strengthen my voice. Thank you Gail McCullough for reconsidering my needs. This one decision will  impact my life and ability to deal with daily functioning in exponential ways. I hope that whatever hurdle you are trying to get through today, that there is someone there to help lift you up....I promise you my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Running on Overload

Hello Friends. I apologise for my absence the last couple of weeks. Last week my youngest child started Kindergarten and I was struggling with having him go. I don't think it is a matter of my anxiety issues (though I am sure that did not help) but rather just the regular empty nest thing. It is so hard for me to let them go out into the world without me. Of course I don't want to be out there and they need to be so I guess I have to just let go. I am also struggling with readjusting to life at home vs the trailer. Transitions seem to be a challenge for me anymore. I have nearly stopped shaking most of the time. Even out in the real world people are noticing that my tremor is less pronounced. I am feeling good about that as now I don't feel like everyone will be looking at me. (Not that they ever really were) just my insecurity on how the shaking made me look. This week I had the best of intentions of returning to the blog but then guess what I did. Tuesday night when I went to take my night meds I accidently had the pill minder backwards in the dimly lit kitchen and I took my Wednesday AM meds. My daily dosage of Zoloft is 175 mg and I ended up taking it twice. Add to that the fact that I took it instead of the Zopiclone I should have been taking and you have one sick Mamma. Obviously I did not even close my eyes on Tuesday night. I sat and watched the clock move excrutiatingly slow all night long. I got really annoyed several times during the night at my husband. It felt to me that his snoring was just some way of rubbing it in that he was asleep. It was not until Wednesday morning that I realized what I had done. By then my husband was gone to work and the kids were at school so I just lay on the couch and hoped the ill effects would pass. Of course I still could not sleep until later afternoon and then I did not want to because I knew if I did I would be up again all night. Nausous and headachy I was determined to stick it out. I went through the whole gambit of side effects that I have gone through each time my meds were increased and I was in misery. I am thankful to be feeling much better today. I can't believe I made such a silly mistake. It scares me to think how one blip like that can wreak such havoc. Have you ever made a mistake with your medication? I wonder how common it is. I wish I knew of a better way to keep track. Oh well. I lived to fight another day. So I guess the post has a happy ending. My thoughts and prayers are with you. P.S. I am going to do a post on the most helpful mood monitoring apps for Android phones. If you have a favourite that you would like me to include/ check out let me know.

Moving Forward One Step At A Time

Wow, this summer has gone by incredibly fast. I have to say that I did not do as well this summer as I did last. Last year my trailer was an oasis of tranquility for me. I felt safe and secure there and felt that I had achieved something for myself by leaving the house and going there. Somehow that lustre has worn off. This year it seems like all the commotion of other campers and just the business of the camp itself has me hiding inside more often then I would like. How do you explain to your children that they can't go swimming on Saturdays because there are too many people in the pool area. I told you that I had been taking the Omega 3 pills and I have stayed on track with that. My shaking has calmed down considerably and the joint pain has lessened as well. I have been able to stay out until around eight o'clock most nights which is a huge improvement over my previous six o'clock exodus. I feel like everyone is expecting me to just wake up one day and be back to the me I was 3 years ago. I know that is not going to happen. My life has changed, I have changed, but I still feel guilt over letting others down. I will be home from the camp in about two weeks and then I will start putting my very predictable schedule back in place. I will return to whatever therapy options are available. I will push on. But I am tired. No one here seems to understand how much energy it takes to just leave my bed in the morning. No one seems to see how hard I struggle each day to get out there and be part of the world (even if only for an hour). I am so thankful that I have made such good connections in the Anxiety Forums and Google+ groups or I might think I was alone in these struggles. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. -Tracy

More Tangled Thoughts

Ok, Ok...enough of the disney flicks....I know! This is the last one I promise. Just a thought though: Rapunzal  spends her entire young life wondering about the beautiful paper lanterns she sees illuminating the sky every year on her birthday. She dreams about seeing them up close and discovering their mystery.  She is however trapped in a tower which she never leaves as she feels she has to protect her very long magic hair.  As she finally sets off on her adventure she is weighed down by the lengths of hair.  She uses the hair to her advantage at several points in her journey but she feel that is is the magic hair that is the important part of who she is. Ironically it is when her hair is cut off that she is free to realize the life she dreams of.  I can empathise with this poor girl. No I don't think I am a long loss heiress....though I can hope....but I understand the feeling of needing to stay shut off from the world. To protect those things in my life that I feel define me.  What a liberating thing it would be to be able to let go....to cut off my hair so to speak and have the courage to see who I would become.  I think I better cut back on the Disney flicks...they may be getting too deep for me. I think its time to turn back to some mindless comedy that won't provoke my overactive analytical mind.  My thoughts and prayers are with you always and I am praying you are able to liberate yourself from whatever is weighing you down.
 

Tangled Thoughts

My family has started a Saturday tradition of watching movies out on our lawn curled up under our coziest blankets.  We of course watch only family friendly flicks and last week's selection was no exception.  While watching the adventure seeking Rapunzel fleeing the bad guys with her dashing cohort Flynn Ryder I stumbled upon a message that struck me straight to the heart. After being asked something about his past Flynn simply replies "sorry blondie, I don't do the backstory thing". Think about that for a minute. Imagine if we could stop replaying our "backstory". Why do we feel the need to share the very things in our past that have caused us so much pain. I am imagining a world where I don't feel the need to tell people I can understand because I have been there.  Why can't I just understand and offer them a friendly ear and open arms.  I am totally getting a new mantra. If it was something in my past that made me stronger I am just going to be thankful for the gift of strength, if it is something that wounded me.....I am just going to try to let go.  The people that are gone now I will decide if its worth the energy to keep them alive in my heart or if it is time to just let go of the things that will never be.  I am tired of living my life looking in the rear view mirror all the time.  I want to focus on what is going on around me.  Maybe if I "don't do the backstory thing" I will open up new world where I can't hide behind what has happened in my life and I will have to tackle the job of daily life.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope you are able to lower the volume on your backstory today and focus on the blessings around you.

Bursting With Excitement

How time flies. It's almost time for our friend Kerry Connely's second book Shaken to hit the shelves. Guess what! She has been in contact to say that she will be stopping by to do an interview early in August. I don't know about you, but i can't wait to get my hands on this book. Kerry had become such a hero to me as she puts herself out there to raise awareness about the effects of abuse and depression.  Keep an eye out for her upcoming interview. Better yet, sign up for updates through google plus or bloglovin and you will be sent the update automatically. Take care and enjoy the weather. My thoughtts and prayers are with you.

Tracy

P.S. I REALLY AM SO EXCITED +author KLC

This idea seemed to fishy to work....but it does!

Whew I am so glad that the humidity has let up for a few days. I just wanted to pop in and let you know about a suggestion that I was given in one of the google plus groups to help alleviate my joint pain in my hands and feet. My anxiety issues sometimes...ok pretty much always have me shaking and twitching and it has begun to result in osteoarthritis. To the point! +Meditation for Health | Seek Within You  suggested that essential fatty acids such as flaxseed or fish oils would help reduce the pain and inflammation as well as help reduce my anxiety effects. I was admittedly doubtful that this would work. I grew up choking down halibut oil capsules all winter as my Grandmother insisted that it would ward off colds. After suffering yet another night of nauseated stomach from the Tylenol Arthritis I had taken I was motivated to give it a try. I bought Jamieson Brand Omega 3 with Flaxseed Oil and read the label carefully.  It said to take 3 capsules 3 times a day. Ok, so I am not that thrilled with the idea of choking down these monster sized footballs of smelly oil so I decide on a compromise with myself . I will try 2 capsules, twice daily. Within a couple of days my husband noticed that I was able to do more without my hands bothering me. I also started staying out of the trailer for longer periods of time and I actually went to a fish fry that had me sitting wedged at the back of a deck with at least 8 adults all conversing wildly beside me. I am not saying that this is going to cure all that ails you my friend but it is certainly worth a try.  I have been taking it for a few weeks now and I am no longer taking the Tylenol.  Thank you so much +Meditation for Health | Seek Within You  this was such a helpful suggestion.  Maybe we can sweet talk our new google + friend and have a new guest blogger.
My thoughts and prayers are with you always.

Tracy

Read more about Omega 3 and Flaxseed Oils at
Jamieson Vitamins

Alone In A Crowd

So its laundry day today. That is why I am home and not at the trailer. Once I figure out where to stick a washer and dryer in my paradise on wheels I won't need to traverse the country for clean socks. Did you have a good holiday (July 1st for my Canadian pals or July 4th for my American friends). Well, I dreaded Canada Day weekend since...well...last Canada Day probably. My husband's family seem to feel the need to congregate around this time of year. Usually it lasts for days and days but this year the bulk of it occurred on Sunday. The children and I decided to stay in the trailer in the afternoon and catch up on a few kid flicks but it was inevitable that they would be coaxed outside by the smell of bbq and the commotion of tents being erected. I ventured out onto the deck and it hit me like a mack truck. The attack. You know it. I was paralysed and barely made it to my comfy deck chair. They were all there, the Aunts and Uncles and Cousins all toting what seemed to be endless acquaintances and their offspring. Thank goodness that my husband built me that fence around our site last year. It kept the well meaning relatives at bay. The children went off to the celebration leaving me alone with no cover for my absence from the party. My husband was good enough to grab a plate of food at supper and wrangle the kids back to our trailer to eat with me. Once the sparklers and glow bands came out though I knew they would run off to be with the group. Not that I don't want them to. Of course I want them to have a wonderful time, but I selfishly also wished they would stay with me. Don't leave me there alone and exposed. At 9:00 the entire clan mounted the golf carts and went to the site of the fireworks. I was left alone at the edge of my fence looking out to see if I could catch a glimpse of the show. As the fireworks began to fly I could hear the ooohhhs and awwwws from the crowd and I shrank back feeling so low, so alone, so pathetic. What was stopping me from going. It is crazy. I am a grown woman and I can't leave my fenced yard? I think that this was the lowest moment I have had in a very very long time.  As I stood alone in the shadows of my tree hoping not to be noticed by any stray party goer I watched the fireworks as they lit the sky over the treeline. When I think I reached the bottom of my self indulgent pity party I lifted my heart and prayed for God to tell my WHY! Then I noticed in the dim light the soft glow of a firefly. Then another, and another. The entire tree was lit up in that eerie iridescent glow emitted from the tiny bugs. I felt a sense of peace rush over me and I knew I was not alone. I am never alone. I just have to take the time to listen to the whisper in my heart. Even though I would have loved to be with my kids as they watched the display of pyrotechnic genius, I am grateful that I was given that moment of   solitude to experience the love that will always be with me.  My thoughts and prayers are with you today and always.

Tracy

Looking at the Sunny Side of Life

Man don't you hate people that say that. The glass is half full, count your blessings, the sun will come out tomorrow...tomorrow...tomorrow..I love you tomorrow...ha..just kidding I won't do that to you.  Sorry if it catches in your head.  Realistically there is a reason for all these all too chipper statements.  Those folks out there that are so drippy with optimism are really onto something.  Medically I mean, though socially annoying as they are they seem to make out okay too.  Ok, Ok...I am a closet optimist....I can spin sunshine as well as the next girl, except in my own head.  Do you ever experience this phenomenon? You are so sweet to the rest of the world but in your own head you are constantly criticising yourself and preparing for the worst. That's me.  All the time.  Sometimes I just need solitude because the chaos of people talking around me plus the nagging of the inner me overwhelms me.  I was reading an article on the Mayo clinic site and another on the Live Science site and they were talking about research that has been conducted into the effects of positive thinking on depression.  To me this seemed counterintuitive as if we were thinking positively we would likely not be depressed. That in fact is their point.  The study focused on mildly depressed folks, not like us hiding under the covers peeps. The results showed that they were able to stimulate the amygdala by positive thoughts and it counteracted the usual overreaction we experience. By no way do they suggest it will work in all instances and they say it would be most effective in conjunction with medication.  I am very fortunate and not only do I live in an area that provides excellent support but also I am married to a hard working guy with a nice medical package. Write that one down single ladies...make sure your man has a job and benefit plan!! So sexist I know. Regardless, the positive activity interactions (PAIs) can be used by people that are unable to access additional support.  Its one of those "what do you have to lose kind of things".  

Here are a few examples of Positive Activity Interactions:

Intentional positive behaviors and thoughts, such as performing acts of kindness, expressing gratitude, meditating on positive feelings  toward others and using one's strengths. Gratitude journals, thank you cards, putting a quarter in someone's metre. 

It all seems so easy! When you think about it though, in those moments when we are outside our own brain and we are doing something nice for someone else don't you just get that sort of sunny buzz inside. Just in those few moments you forget that you are depressed, anxious, panic stricken or obsessive compulsive.  Maybe thats the seed of wisdom in it all.  A happy distraction from our pain.  I say lets go for it guys! Are you with me? I am going to shut down this computer and go read an extra bedtime story to my kidlets, just to remind them how much they are loved and to steal a little sunny buzz moment.  My thoughts and prayers are with you as always.